I have wanted to write this story for quite some time now, but have struggled to find the strength to do so.
Reading the story of other women’s struggles has given me both the inspiration and boldness to share my own story – fraught with struggles, fear, heartache, disappointment, glimmers of hope, anticipation, and joy. It is the story of my journey to motherhood – a role I have longed for since I can remember and the greatest earthly aspiration I have ever had.
As I shared in my guest blog “All I Ever Wanted” on From Here To Eternity, my greatest ambition was to be a mother. It was what I dreamed of for as long as I can remember: that, and to be a singer.
I had managed to fulfill the singer role. I had studied music and had years of worship leading experience under my belt while teaching privately on the side. Now I was singing and playing keyboards in a highly acclaimed Croatian worship band – Bez Kompromisa (No Compromise). We had already recorded one album – on which I played keyboards – and had played for various national and city-wide festivals. Yes – I had accomplished that goal in life.
Six months after we got married we found out we were expecting our first baby. I was literally beside myself with joy. I was sent to have my hCG levels tested and they came back low. I wasn’t happy with my doctor. Something about him didn’t sit right with me so I requested a change with my insurance, a process that took one month. By the time my request was approved, I was already 9 weeks along. On the morning of my ultrasound, I had a mixture of anticipation of seeing my little baby and some fear that something may not be right; but chalked it up to typical pregnancy fears
I climbed off the tram and began down the walkway to to doctor’s office – my heart pounding like crazy. I could hardly wait!!! The doctor accepted me into the office and I lay on the table. His silence during the ultrasound made me nervous. And then I heard the words that would echo in my head for months to come…
“Something isn’t right”.
It was weird. Almost like I had expected those words to come out of his mouth.
“The baby is measuring too small and there is no heartbeat”.
Those words would haunt me and keep me awake at night.
When I found out I was expecting a second time, I was terrified. In fact, I was so terrified that at 5 1/2 weeks I went to my doctor for a check up, even though I knew it was too early to see or do anything. The check up only compounded my fear.
How was I supposed to know? Isn’t he the one with “DR” before his name? But it was obvious that he was as worried as I was, which didn’t help matters at all. I couldn’t understand what he was worried about. He was the one that promised us that our second pregnancy would go fine. “99% of the time the second pregnancy is normal” he had said, “I’ve never had a patient who has had two miscarriages in a row”.
Maybe I’d be his first…
When my parents came to visit us in Zagreb, a month after our return from the States, they brought with them several whole food vitamins that I began taking. Those vitamins, coupled with a lifestyle change, so dramatically changed my health that I suddenly realized how fatigued I had been!
My mom also brought me the book, “Calm My Anxious Heart“, by Linda Dillow – a book that changed my life!
I realized that I had to accept whatever calling God had called me to. Was I called to be a mother? Only God could know that. Could I accept the fact that He had possibly designed my destiny that I may never bear children? I knew I had to come to the place of contentment, no matter what my future held for me.
By the time I had finished the book, and the study questions in the back, I had come to the place where I knew that if I have children, then praise God and if I never have children, then praise God and my house will always be clean! It was a very freeing place in my heart and I could praise God for the lessons learned in this heartbreaking journey that I could rest in whatever lay ahead.
It was also important for me to go back to my broken dreams, sweep up their precious fragments in my hands, look at them, embrace them, and then examine them for any nuggets of wisdom God had wanted to teach me there.
That part was not easy.
To go back and relive those emotions. To revisit pain and loss. Yet, I knew I had to, it was part of letting go, and it was part of allowing God to heal the wounds.
I am so glad I allowed Him to do that. I can tell my story without pain. Do tears fall? Yes. Because I am overwhelmed by His goodness, faithfulness, and overwhelming love and care for me.
So, Dear Reader, if you have experienced such pain, allow Him to give you the strength to scoop up those shattered fragments of your dream; embrace them, hold them; let Him help you find a treasured lesson among them, and then let them go. Take from your loss the sweet nectar of His faithfulness and then let Him gently take from you the pain so that all that remains is a wonderful testimony of His goodness, faithfulness and love. It will free you as it has freed me!
My husband was working morning shift and I was bored. Very bored.
“I wonder if those dollar store pregnancy tests I bought in the States really do work”, I wondered. I had no reason to believe I might be expecting. I was just bored.
No one was more surprised than I when I got a + sign. In fact, I was so shocked that I took another one…and a third one. All had + signs!
Then I heard the “reminder” ring on my cell phone. Either I had an appointment today or it was someone’s birthday.
I picked up my cell phone and began to cry. It said
Only God could do something that special.
My husband tried to convince me to wait until the second trimester to share our news but I knew, from the deepest depths of my heart, that this time was it.
Besides, the glow on my face would have been evidence enough. So, we went to church that evening and by the end of service everyone knew our good news.
A baby was on the way!
|My little Alien at 13 weeks (the only ultrasound picture I could make out – just like hundreds of other little mommies who wont admit they don’t know what they are looking at! *grin*)|
21 months later our Robert Jukic was joined by an Andrej Jukic. Two boys as opposite as boys could be. But we are a family full of love and joy.
A gift from the hand of the Father!