How to Surround Yourself With Safe People

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three women sitting on floor eating pizza and popcorn

Are you a safe person?

Do you know what it means to be a safe person and how to surround yourself with other safe people who know how to give to the relationship as well as taken, when needed?

Several years ago I began to ask myself these probing questions.

I realized, my inner circle was filled with people who continually wanted things from me, but never gave back to the friendship.

The phone rarely rang on my end, and usually when the person needed something from me.

I was lonely and empty.

How to Surround Yourself With Safe People

While my inner circle wasn’t filled with healthy friendships, I wasn’t a healthy friend either. Inside I was full of disappointment, hurt, fear, jealousy and anger.

Very toxic and poisonous emotions that will ruin an otherwise healthy relationship.

I was an unhealthy person with an unhealthy inner circle of friends. But I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be a good friend who attracted good friends.

At a low point in my life emotionally, I remembered a book that I had been given: Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t

I devoured this book in a matter of days. I took notes, underlined portions and then went back and read it again.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend start the book of by talking about unsafe people:

  • Abandoners
  • Critics
  • Irresponsibles

and their personal and interpersonal traits. Within the first few of chapters you are easily able to identify those in your life who are sucking the life-blood from you with their negative and toxic behavior.

But best of all, you are able to identify those negative traits you possess that poison your relationships – because let’s face it; 99.9% of the time both sides are at fault!

But they don’t stop there. They move on to part two of the book: “Do I Attract Unsafe People?”

It was in this part of the book that I began to see how I’d been stuck in a quagmire of toxic friendships for years: ranging from fair-weather friends, to overly-clingy friends, to friends who only remembered me when their other friends weren’t available…

It was time to shift these friends to more of the periphery of my life so that I could make room for safe friendships….and to learn to become a safe friend.

This particular quote jumped out at me, and was what made me finally reach out to a few girls who had swarmed around me and decided to call me their best friend.

“Be aware that when you’re hurting, a voice may tell you, ‘Why bother others? They’ll see how weak you are. Where’s your faith?’ It may be an idea planted by the Tempter to keep you from safe people.”

At this point, I wasn’t sure if I wanted a best friend.

I was a little raw….and a little cynical.

But I decided to open my heart and take a chance. I poured my heart out to them one day, sharing with them my heavy burden. And do you know what happened?

They didn’t offer advice
They didn’t preach a sermon

They surrounded me and prayed over me. They cried with me.

Slowly over time, as I opened my heart to safe friends, my own unhealthy habits began to rise to the surface and I began to deal with them one-by-one.

Drs. Cloud and Townsend wrap up the book by talking about who safe people are – because we will recognize safe people by knowing who they are and not just by identifying who they aren’t.  They answer the questions:

  • How do I become safe?
  • Where can I find safe people?
  • Should I repair or replace my unsafe relationships?

They say:

“Safe people [are] those individuals who truly make us better by their presence in our lives. Safe people are individuals who draw us closer to being the people God intended us to be.”

Safe People is by far one of the best books I’ve read on relationships. While it delves into areas of psychology and therapy, it is well balanced with scripture.

I recommend that every person read this book. It is an amazing personal tool, as well as a great tool for Bible Study groups and for counselors to use with those they are counseling.


This post is part of the Building Healthy Relationships Free Mini-Course that you can receiving right in your inbox! To learn more about this mini-course, click below


More great content for women:

Can a Woman Biblically Teach or Preach in the Church?

10 Ways to Lead an Online Bible Study

How to Find God’s Will For Your Life

5 Things You Need To Know To Find Your Calling

4 Thing You Need to Know About Dreams

Encouragement for Wives in the Ministry

Supporting Your Husband in the Ministry

The Top 3 Things Single Women Need to Know

5 Character Traits of Healthy Friendships

5 Biblical Ways to Resolve Conflict

How to Surround Yourself With Safe People

5 Qualities of An Authentic Person

9 Ways to Spot a Toxic Friendship

Rosilind
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14 Comments

  1. I have been loving your posts in the past two weeks and coming back to them often to share. Thanks for the linkup today. You have an awesome community.

  2. Sounds like an interesting book! I’m glad to say I think the people I’ve got in my life are “safe” people. Thanks for hosting the link up!

  3. I’ve read Cloud and Townsend’s Boundaries books over and over, again. How did I not know about this? Thank you for sharing. I’m adding it to the top of my ‘must-read-list!’ And thanks for hosting! 🙂

  4. The book sounds fantastic, and I always said I had a “Butthead Magnet” on my head, you know the rest. And yes, at times perhaps we are the ones that suck the energy out of others, you are right it works both ways, sounds like a great book, thanks for the review, and the party!

    1. Yea – I attracted a few of those myself. LOL! and I have been one to suck energy from others. Sometimes our battles with others teach us a lot about ourselves, if we let them.

  5. I’m delighted that you posted about “Safe People” Rosilind! I, too, love this book and I’m also currently in a group study. I started reading Chapter 4 yesterday and I think the authors hit the nail on the head when they said (pg 66) that “we think we are self-sufficient.” And yes, “make friends with your needs…they are a gift from God.” Honestly, such good teaching is breath of fresh air.

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