The pain of a miscarriage is a deep, deep pain that goes to the very core of a woman.
The moment a woman finds out she is expecting, a great miracle happens in her heart. She falls in love with a little being inside of her that doesn’t even cover her fingertip.
She is bonded with a life she’s not yet seen or held.
When the miscarriage happens – at whatever stage of pregnancy it happens – it is not only physically painful, emotionally it is excruciating.
I’ve lost four babies to early miscarriage.
It is still painful to talk about and remember.
Over the past several weeks, I have sat back and thought about the fact that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and what I might write about or share.
Read my post 3 Things I’ve Learned About the Pain of Miscarriage
I realized something this year that had not occurred to me in previous years, whether that is because it is something new God has done in my heart or something that has been hidden inside that I’ve only now discovered.
My Pregnancy Loss Does Not Define Me
I think that as a society today, we so want to stand out and be unique and defined; we long for meaning and purpose in our lives and in doing so, we gravitate to those things about us that set us apart from the crowd.
Whether it’s our lifestyle or a disability, or a family member’s disability.
Whether its our career or our ethnicity.
The temptation for me was to identify myself with my pregnancy losses; to identify with the grief that I felt with each one.
After discovering I was expecting a second time, I didn’t even feel joy – just fear. A strong, paralyzing fear that I would once again have to face the trauma I’d faced only 4 months ago.
And I did.
Between that miscarriage and my third, God blessed us with two beautiful children who have brought so much love and joy to our home
For some reason, my third miscarriage was less traumatic, but more emotionally devastating for me.
So devastating, in fact, that I couldn’t talk about it with anyone. I just buried it deep inside and tried to drown it out with work and noise.
I didn’t want to face it.
I just wanted to pretend it never happened!
Then a year later my fourth miscarriage happened, and I knew there was nowhere left inside to bury the pain. There was no amount of noise sufficient enough to drown it out.
I would either face it and deal with it or snap.
With a trembling hand, I reached out to grab a hold of God’s hand and let Him lead me through the valley of grief I was in to a place of purpose.
As the month of October drew nearer this year, I found I didn’t have the words to say about grief and pregnancy loss. So, I asked the Lord for wisdom, and these words came to my heart:
Pregnancy loss is an event, not an identity.
To be sure, for those women who have never held even one biological child in their arms, embracing this truth is like climbing Mt. Everest.
And yet, even in that pain God has a purpose!
And our job as mothers – because make no mistake, a woman who has experienced pregnancy and/or infant loss is a mother, is to allow God to lead us through this valley of the shadow of death into a revelation of His perfect plan and purpose in this great pain.
However, when we allow ourselves to be defined by our loss, we miss out on the great gift He has for us.
Not only the gift of fulfilling the divine plan He has for us, despite our grief and loss, but an even greater and more miraculous gift.
The gift of identifying with Him!
You see, I am a new Creation in Jesus Christ. My pregnancy losses are an event – something that happened to me, but they don’t define who I am.
I have a new heritage.
Jesus’ life in me is what defines me. The fact that I am a daughter of God defines me. The fact that I am a citizen of heaven defines me!
Does this mean that the losses I feel here on earth no longer matter?
No. But it means that my responsibility as God’s child is that I put them into proper perspective. It means that I feel them, I work through them, and I release them.
I don’t let them devastate me; because I have great faith that God will somehow, some way, use them for His glory.
So, this year for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I am rejoicing in the hope I have in Jesus Christ. I rejoice in the fact that one day I will see and hold my 4 precious babies.
I rejoice in the fact that God has turned my mourning into dancing.
I rejoice in the fact that He has traded my spirit of heaviness for a garment of praise.
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